the pursuit of happiness

I've been thinking about this post for a while now. My personal pursuit of happiness. If I'm going to be completely honest with you, I have no fucking idea what makes me happy. I don't know what my special talent in life is. At this point in my life I have no idea what Im doing with myself, and that is okay. I think. Okay I admit, I'm a little terrified. I have friends in college, friends graduating, friends who are traveling the world, friends buying houses and friends having babies and I'm sitting over her floundering about like a fish out of water.  How come they can have it so together I can't?

 

I'm 23 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. If I ever grow up. I better grow up. My life which was once full of activities basically revolves around two things. Work and home life. I only work part time and my job is really not that interesting. Part of the reason I don't do more is I really don't have the money to. Working part time while living on your own and paying off student debts leaves you broke the second you get paid. In the end I know it'll be worth it but it sure is discouraging to watch it happen.

Lately I have been reminding myself of how much life can change in a couple years. I think as young adults we have too much pressure put on us, from ourselves and others, to get our life together early. Go to college, get a job, get a house, get married, have kids, and so on. To me there was no room for mistake and when I failed myself at the college part, life just seemed to go down hill from there. I didn't come from a wealthy family and so college was paid for all on my own, you would of thought that would have made me take the experience more seriously. Well it didn't. When I fell behind in classes and knew I wouldn't be graduating anytime soon I moved home. I started working, started renting an apartment with my boyfriend and have been stuck in that stage ever since. Don't get my wrong living with my boyfriend is great, but I am ready for more.

 

The last few weeks I have been researching and have found something I think I can be good at. I've set out a plan for myself and am hoping to start that journey in January. I'm scared shitless that it's the wrong path again. I can't fail again. In my life I feel like it's time I had a career that I am passionate about, this is the first step to doing that. It's a step that allows me to keep my job and live at home as well in order to achieve it. This is something I can't fail at, I wont let myself.

 

I still find myself wanting more. I want a hobby, I want to be crazy passionate about something that I just can't get enough of. How do I find that? For me I think it's just luck. If you're lucky you'll either stumble into that one thing you truly are great at. The one thing in life that you honestly belong doing. Hopefully one day soon it'll be my lucky day and I'll stumble into my happiness. Until then I'll be trying as many new things as I can, and not giving up on happiness.